Local meteorologist predicts threat of Thunder

By Chu:

OKLAHOMA CITY — Oddsmakers in Las Vegas say the Golden State Warriors are the favorites to win the NBA championship next season, but one man says there is another western conference team that looms as a threat to dethrone the dynasty.

“We’ve seen a warm front coming in this week, and you know what comes after that — Thunder!” said Scott Peterson, an animated meteorologist in Oklahoma City.

Peterson made his prediction on the morning telecast for his news station Friday morning. He detailed the high-pressure system heading west-to-east through the region as the reason for his prediction.

“You see the wind blowing this certain way and it’s not that bold of a prediction,” Peterson said. “It’s the summertime in the Midwest; storms are not uncommon and I can tell you with confidence. Thunder is on the way.”

Thunder Head Coach Billy Donovan downplayed the prediction.

“We don’t want to get a head of ourselves,” Donovan said. “We resigned Paul George, which was huge, and we dumped Carmelo Anthony, which greatly improves our roster. We’re really excited about our team, but we’re not in the business of making predictions and proclamations, we’re just going to work hard every day and continue to improve.”

The Thunder are currently 40/1 to win the NBA championship next season, lofty odds for guarantees, but Peterson is sticking to his word.

“I’ve studied weather patterns all my life,” he said. “I’m certain Thunder is on the way. Take that to Vegas.”

In an unrelated report, Fred Carbini, a meteorologist in South Florida, also declared that Heat would be sweeping the region and ultimately the entire country.

**Editor’s note: This article is for satirical purposes only**

Zhaire Smith indoctrinated into 76ers culture with serious rookie injury

By Chu:

LAS VEGAS — It’s a longstanding tradition for the Philadelphia 76ers and they are keeping with their history by announcing 1st round draft pick Zhaire Smith had broken his foot.

“It’s an honor to follow in the footsteps — haha see what I did there, with foot — anyways it’s an honor to follow in the footsteps of Philadelphia greats like Joel Embiid, Ben Simmons and  Nerlens Noel. I’m truly humbled to have fractured my foot. I really feel like a part of the team now,” Smith said.

The rookie forward suffered the injury at development camp in Las Vegas, and when the team put forth a press release saying Smith would return to Philadelphia for “further evaluation” it became official.

“I nearly cried I was so excited,” Smith said. “To be the next rookie to have an injury shrouded in mystery and start my career on the injured list, it’s just really humbling man, really humbling.”

“It’s an exciting time for Zhaire and the whole organization really,” said Brett Brown, 76ers head coach and interim general manager. “We were really excited to trade for him on draft night and watching his progress in Summer League, this was the next logical step for his development and we’re really excited to get started.”

Serious injuries for Philadelphia rookies has become a sort of Process, so to say. Since 2013, only three of Philly’s first round draft picks have been ready to play in the season opener, and none of those three — Michael Carter Williams, Timothé Luwawu-Cabarrot and Jahlil Okafor — are still with the team.

“I’m excited, I’m really excited, to just get started,” Smith said. “This injury means I’m really in the team’s long term plans. Ready to get the season going. I’ve already begun my practice regiment of picking stylish outfits, rooting on teammates and of course, sitting down. I really think I’m going to thrive in this role and I want to thank the whole organization for putting me on a path to a long and successful career.”

The 76ers are slated to play the Boston Celtics on Oct. 16 to open the season, and their top pick, in standing with tradition, will likely be unavailable.

**Editor’s note: This article is for satirical purposes only**

Lavar Ball blames Lebron for lack of coverage

By Chu:

LOS ANGELES — Wherever Lebron James goes, the cameras follow. Now that he’s taken his talents to the City of Angels, the spotlight is even larger. Surprising? Of course not, Lebron has dominated the headlines wherever he went.

While a teams’ addition of the game’s top player and the subsequent reduction of attention on other players might seem like a welcome change to some, one player’s father isn’t OK with the idea of getting less attention.

LaVar Ball reacts after watching his sons in the Big Baller Brand Challenge friendly tournament match between BC Prienu Vytautas and BC Zalgiris-2 at the BC Prienai-Birstonas Vytautas arena, in Prienai, Lithuania, Tuesday, Jan. 9, 2018. LiAngelo Ball and LaMelo Ball, sons of former basketball player LaVar Ball, have signed a one-year contract and play their first match for Lithuanian professional basketball club Prienu Vytautas. (AP Photo/Liusjenas Kulbis)

“Fuckin’ bullshit man, fuckin’ bullshit I tell ya,” said Lavar Ball, father of Lakers guard Lonzo Ball. “Last summer I was everywhere bruh, I was on ESPN, FS1, even fuckin’ CNN bruh. Now I can’t even get a spot on HGTV.”

Last year, much of the Lakers offseason stories swirled around how Lavar for a number of reasons: Criticizing head coach Luke Walton, over-hyping his son’s ability, starting a shoe company and starring in a reality TV show to name a few. However this year, with the addition of Lebron, LA media and elsewhere have turned their heads to the Ball father, much to his chagrin.

“I knew I shouldn’t have gone to fuckin’ Lithuania. I knew this was going to happen … Big Baller Brand is taking a hi — hey, where you goin’?!” said an anxious Ball as the reporter left abruptly.

**Editor’s note: This article is for satirical purposes only**

 

Warriors decline likeness for Space Jam 2

By Chu:

LOS ANGELES — It’s been no secret that Lebron James and his production company have been pursuing a Space Jam 2. Widely seen as the best basketball player in the world, it seems fitting that James should take this cinematic torch passed on by Michael Jordan in this eventual Looney Toons basketball-based sequel. However, not everyone in the NBA universe feels comfortable with the idea.

“We as a team said no, fuck no to be exact,” said Golden State Warriors Center Draymond Green. “Lebron asked us if we’d like to be featured in the film, and initially there was some interest, but then we discovered he wanted us to be portrayed as villains in the movie and gave it a collective, ‘nahhhhh.'”

Members of the Golden State Warriors, from left, Draymond Green, Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson, head coach Steve Kerr and general manager Bob Myers gather before the team’s NBA basketball championship parade, Tuesday, June 12, 2018, in Oakland, Calif. (AP Photo/Marcio Jose Sanchez)

While production plans for the film have remained primarily silent, Hollywood insiders have suggested the Space Jam sequel would follow a similar plot as the original: Aliens invade, take the powers of elite basketball talent, challenge the Looney Toons to a basketball game with condition of captivity on the line.

“We’re still working on the details, but we get the basic concept,” said Lakers forward and film producer Lebron James. “We reached out to the Warriors for the sake of them being the Monstars impersonated in the film. Thought it was a perfect fit because everyone, especially me, hates the Warriors, are sick of them winning, and want them to finally lose, preferably to me, even if it’s in a fictional story.”

The original Space Jam featured All Stars from the 90s that played on several different teams with the likes of Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Shawn Bradley and more. Now that the Warriors will start five NBA All Stars next season, the need for other teams’ representation seems unnecessary.

“It’s a shame they didn’t want to be a part of the project,” said Toon Squad guard Bugs Bunny. “Seemed like a great opportunity to market themselves to a younger crowd and basketball fans all over the world. The Warriors as the Monstars makes sense — everyone outside of the Bay Area already hates them and the Bay Area might as well be a different planet anyways.”

Warriors head coach Steve Kerr used the request and subsequent rejection to take a shot at James.

“Well, the whole problem with the premise of the film, is that it’s unreasonable,” Kerr said. “The original Space Jam worked because we all know Michael Jordan would overcome any obstacle on his way to victory. Lebron however — I don’t know if he could beat a Monstars squad that possessed Warriors’ talent. He’s not the winner that Michael was.”

While James and his new teammates with the Lakers settle in for a long NBA season, the Warriors prepare to defend their title once again. Regardless of how the actual NBA season ends, we know now that at least in one world, Lebron James still can’t beat the Golden State Warriors.

**Editor’s note: This article is for satirical purposes only**